


Duncan the Small

by tall_wolf_of_tarth



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, The one where Cersei finally gets her elephants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27759994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tall_wolf_of_tarth/pseuds/tall_wolf_of_tarth
Summary: Lannister siblings receive some surprise gifts. Cersei and Tyrion love their presents, Jaime not so much. Especially when he has to ask his dour coworker to help him with it.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 35
Kudos: 97





	Duncan the Small

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks for earthwindandfiber betaing this silly thing!!

Duncan the Small

“Jaime!!!” His sister sounds breathless on the phone. Breathless and happier than Jaime has heard Cersei for years. “Someone sent me a pair of elephants!”

The rest of the morning Jaime receives a string of photos to his phone. Two elaborately painted elephants on the Casterly Rocks green _._ A selfie of Cersei with elephants behind her.

Myrcy and Tommy feeding elephants. Cersei riding an elephant, led by a small pretty woman.

“I named this one Rhaegar!” A text follows the last one, peppered with hearts and starry-eyed emoticons.

“Did she name him Rhaegar because she plans to ride him everywhere?” laughs Tyrion. Jaime is sitting with his brother eating lunch at the cafe he likes by the riverfront. Jaime and Tyrion have both suspected that Cersei still hasn't let go of the hope that her high school crush will seek her out one day and sweep her off her feet.

“Don't be crude,” Jaime scolds his brother. “You know how much she loves elephants.”

“Ask her what the other one’s called.” Tyrion is still snickering when Jaime types the question. “I bet it's called Cousin Lancel's Face. Ask me why...”

“Tyrion...”

“Because she names them after things she wants to ride...”

Jaime groans, but Tyrion continues laughing. Tyrion sounds hysterical now. He is wheezing and is struggling to get the words out.

“Too bad that -- the other one is not a -- a woolly mammoth...” _Wheeze_ \-- ”Because she would name it Ozzie...” _Wheeze_ \-- ”Kettleblack...”

“--Tyrion!”

Tears are flowing down Tyrion's face. Jaime rolls his eyes and picks up his buzzing phone.

“The other one is called Bunny,” he informs Tyrion, hoping that would calm his brother, but instead Tyrion falls into another laughing fit.

“-- Bunny--” Tyrion wheezes again, “--like a vibrator?”

A flock of pigeons startles and takes flight when Tyrion falls off his chair, still laughing.

That's when the zebra carriage shows up.

***

“It's Gerion,” Tyrion says carelessly, waving at the pedestrians at the sidewalk while their zebra carriage moves forward. He’s waving slowly, palm towards his face like some ancient Targaryen monarch. At least he’s stopped laughing now. “Gerion always sent us the best gifts.”

Jaime tries not to look at the people staring at them. He wishes he was among the pedestrians, taking pictures of the ridiculous zebra carriage, and not inside it, sitting on uncomfortable velvet cushions. The carriage is painted red and gold and bears Lannister sigils. “Zorses!” Tyrion had squeaked when he had spotted the carriage.

“Oi,” Tyrion now calls the scruffy-looking man driving the carriage. “Are these zorses or zebras?”

“How the feck should I know?” the driver grumbles. “And can you two ponces shut it, it's hard enough to drive this shitshow in the traffic without you assholes bothering me.”

It is indeed a difficult drive. They are constantly passed by cars, buses, bicycles and other normal vehicles. All of the vehicles also use any possible means to inform the Lannister Zorse Carriage what they think of said carriage. The cars honk, bicycles ring their bells, and drivers push out their heads from the car windows to shout at the Lannisters. The racket seems to make zebras nervous.

Jaime prays that they soon reach the museum where Tyrion insisted on taking Jaime in his newly-acquired zebra carriage, so he can escape the dreadful ride. Tyrion just keeps waving, seeming to love the attention.

“Gifting zorses and elephants sounds exactly like Gerion. Wasn't he the one who sent Cersei that pink monstrosity?”

“Bunny. Yes, it was Gerion.” The pink stuffed elephant had been the size of a small pony and Cersei used to drag it everywhere with her (or rather, she made Jaime carry it for her everywhere she went). Jaime got a real sword that Sevenmas from Gerion. He still has it.

“What did I get?” Tyrion asks.

“Nothing, you weren't born yet,” Jaime answers and tries to hide his face from the tourists taking photos.

The zebra carriage stops at the red light. The museum where Jaime works is not far and he can see its ancient tower looming over the smaller buildings around it. Tyrion keeps waving at the people crossing the street and Jaime hides his face behind his hand. He silently prays that no one he knows sees him in the damn zebra carriage.

 _Oh gods_ , a thought suddenly lands on him like a ton of bricks. What if Brienne _,_ his dour, stubborn and irritating colleague with whom Jaime shares an office, sees him? It would give Brienne so much ammunition in their daily fights. She already believes Jaime to be a pampered rich trust fund boy who got his job as a curator because of his family connections at the museum trust. Seeing him in a damn zebra carriage like an ancient aristocrat would cause her to lose any morsel of respect for Jaime that he has managed to earn.

He prays to the Seven that today is not the day when Brienne has neglected to pack herself a balanced lunch and has come out to eat instead.

“The only remaining question is,” Tyrion starts talking again while the carriage jerks forward, “what ever did Gerion send to you?”

“What?” Jaime pulls his face away from his hand. He hadn't thought that he might be at the receiving end of Gerions generosity.

“He must have sent you something as well. Probably a pair of lions.” Tyrion waves to the crowd and misses the horrified expression on Jaime's face. “Oooh,” Jaime's brother suddenly exclaims. “Isn't that the tall girl you have a crush on?”

Jaime spots Brienne Tarth’s blonde head bobbing above the crowds.

“Crone's cunt!” he barks, and in a move that impresses himself as well as the nearby crowd, he jumps out of the moving zebra carriage and into traffic.

***

When Brienne returns from her lunch she finds Jaime Lannister awkwardly trying to fish a bandage from a box with his left hand. Brienne sighs and takes the box from him. There’s a huge scratch on his right hand.

“You need to clean it first, Lannister. What happened?”

“I fell over.” Jaime looks embarrassed.

Brienne wipes the scratch with disinfectant and finds a suitably sized bandage from the box, trying desperately not to think about how good Jaime smells.

“Guess what?” she asks, relieved to have thought of another conversational topic. “I saw an actual zebra carriage going past the museum on my way back from lunch.”

“Really?” Jaime’s cheeks turn pink. It’s annoyingly adorable. Brienne looks away and tidies the first aid box. Jaime clears his throat. “Did you see who was in it?”

“No, but--” before Brienne can tell him about the Lannister sigil on the carriage, there’s a knock on the door. When Jaime opens it, two fairly young women step into their room. One of them is even blonder than Brienne with weirdly purple eyes, and the other one is dark-skinned with curly black hair.

“Are you Jaime Lannister?” the blonde girl asks bluntly and looks at Jaime who, for some reason, has now gone very pale instead of pink.

“I hope it's not a fucking lion,” Jaime says, with slight panic in his voice, instead of an answer.

“It's not a lion,” the dark-haired girl giggles, looking Jaime up and down.

“Here,” the other girl pulls a small bag out of her pocket and hands it to Jaime. “Open it,” she commands him, chin lifted.

Jaime holds the bag in his hand like someone would hold a bottle of wildfire. Very, very, carefully.

“How's Gerion?” he asks the girls instead of obeying. “Is he alright?”

“Oh, he is alright,” the dark-haired girl giggles again. “Gerion is very fine.” Her eyes seem to glaze over for a moment.

“Missy, you didn't!” The blonde looks at her friend with wide eyes. Missy just shrugs. Brienne has once seen a picture of Jaime's uncle, and Brienne doesn't blame the girl for whatever she’s done with Hot Uncle Gerion. Brienne would do the same if given a chance.

“Ugh,” the blonde girl turns to Jaime again. She takes the bag out of Jaime's hand, fishes something out of it and puts that something into Jaime's palm again.

_Oh._

“It's a dragon egg,” Brienne sighs. The egg is tiny, perhaps the size of a grape, but it has the telltale scales. It's very dark blue, almost black, and very small for a dragon egg.

“You need to put it into a fireplace before the sun sets,” the girl instructs Jaime with her finger in his face. Jaime looks terrified.

“I don't have a fireplace.” He tries to give the egg back to the girl.

“Then find one,” the girl shrugs. “Before the sunset!”

The girls turn away to leave.

“Aren't you supposed to stay and look after it?” Jaime calls after them. The blonde girl looks back.

“It's a dragon egg, it doesn't need looking after.” The door closes behind them with a resolute bang.

Jaime and Brienne look at each other, the dragon egg still in Jaime's extended hand.

“You have a fireplace, Brienne,” Jaime looks at Brienne, green eyes pleading, and Brienne instantly knows that she’s not going to like where this is going.


End file.
